The Most Dangerous Game
by Miss Puar
Summary: Guess who's on 'The Dating Game'!
1. The Games We Play

Disclaimer: Marvel Comics never gave me permission to use their characters. But, I'm not gonna listen, so thheeree! I'm breaking the law and I don't caaarrree... c'mon everyone, sing along!

Note: This is my first fic to use a real celebrity, so it'll probably make less sense than my usual stories (which is really saying something).

  
  


THE MOST DANGEROUS GAME CHAPTER ONE

  
  


Jean Grey sat nervously in a metal chair. She still couldn't believe she'd agreed to do this. She kept telling herself that it was okay, it was all for charity, but she was still fairly certain she'd made a bad decision.

"Are you ready, Jean?" asked Principal Kelly.

"I think so." Jean lied.

"Great! Now remember to do a good job because we need this money to pay for repairing the gym.. again.." Kelly twitched involuntarily. He recovered and added, "Make sure nothing upsets our host. I told Mr. Woolery that Bayville was a nice, normal community."

Jean gulped. Now she was SURE she'd made a bad decision. "I'll uh, do my best, sir." she said in what she hoped was a reassuring tone of voice. Judging by Kelly's expression, it wasn't. 

Luckily for her, at that moment a stage hand poked his head into the dressing room. "You're on in 5 minutes." he said. Jean took a deep breath and followed him towards the stage to wait for her cue.

"Good evening ladies and gentlemen. I'm Chuck Woolery, host of 'The Dating Game' and we're coming to you live from Bayville, Massachusetts. Today we're going to match up one of our local citizens with her dream date. Here she comes right now, so everyone give a big round of applause for the lovely Jean Grey!" Mr. Woolery called by way of introduction.

Jean stepped onto the stage, smiling weakly. "Hello, everyone." she said. As she headed towards Mr. Woolery she stumbled a little. 'Way to go, Jean.' she thought bitterly, 'Now no one can tell you're worried'.

"There you are Jean. All set to play our little game?" Mr. Woolery grinned.

"You bet." Jean forced herself to smile back as she sat down in a heart-shaped chair.

"Now you know the rules of course Jean, but for all you folks out there in TV land who have just tuned in, this game is very simple. You see that curtain over there?" Mr. Woolery gestured to a large red curtain. "Behind it are 3 eligible bachelors all dying to date Miss Grey."

"No we're not, yo!" yelled a voice.

"Shut up, slimey! Jean won't choose you anyway!" yelled another voice.

"She's not gonna choose you either, Glasses Boy!" hollered a third voice.

"Wow. What an original insult. You jocks are WAY too smart for me!" sneered the second voice.

"That's it! Don't make me come over there, Four-Eyes!" the third voice fumed.

"Bring it on!" taunted the second voice.

"Yo, this is getting good." laughed the first voice.

"SHUT UP!" chorused the second and third voices.

"Anyway," Mr. Woolery continued "Jean will ask these young men a series of questions and based on their responses, she will chose one man to go with her on all-expenses paid dinner at Maison Printemps."

"Woo hoo! Free food! Now that's what I'm talking about, yo!" cheered the first voice.

"Bring me back a doggy bag, buddy!" boomed a fat man in the front row.

"You got it, Freddy!" laughed the first voice.

"What makes you think you're gonna win?" demanded the second voice.

"Animal magnetism, yo." the first voice explained.

"The only thing you attract is flies!" the second voice jeered.

"That's better than nothing!" hissed the first voice.

"Is not!" yelled the second voice.

"Is too!" yelled the first voice.

"Man, you guys are such losers. I'll win this thing, no sweat." laughed the third voice.

"Over my dead body!" roared the second voice.

"That can be arranged!" snarled the third voice.

"Oh yeah?" snapped the second voice.

"Yeah!" yelled the third voice.

"Boys, boys. Now, I know you're all eager for Jean to begin playing 'The Dating Game' but before she does, we'll need to hear from yesterday's contestant Mr. Lance Alvers and his dream date, Kitty Pryde." Mr. Woolery said. "They'll be here right after the break."

"Yeah, cuz I'm gonna break his bones when I tackle him!" yelled the third voice.

"I'd like to see you try!" snapped the second voice.

"It'll be the last thing you see, Shades!" replied the third voice.

Mr. Woolery sighed. "A nice normal community.. That's what he told me.. Hah! If this is normal, then I'm Alex Trebek!"


	2. Love Isn't Blind, It's Dumb

THE MOST DANGEROUS GAME CHAPTER TWO

"Here they come, ladies and gentlemen! Yesterday's lucky bachelor and his little 'kitten', Lance Alvers and Kitty Pryde!" Mr. Woolery introduced them.

Lance walked onto the stage, blushing furiously and looking quite dazed. Kitty followed him, waving merrily.

"How was your date, Lance?" Mr. Woolery shoved a microphone in front of Lance's lipstick stained face.

"Date Kitty?" Lance looked confused.

"Yes, your date with Kitty Pryde." prompted Mr. Woolery.

"Date Kitty?" Lance repeated.

"Please tell the audience how your date went." Mr. Woolery's voice was rising.

"Date Kitty?" Lance blinked, still unable to take it in.

"Perhaps you'd rather tell us about your evening." Mr. Woolery begged Kitty.

"Date Kitty?" Lance just stood there, grinning like an idiot.

"Sure. It's was like, a total blast, y'know? First Lance showed up at my house with like, a dozen roses. He looked so cute when his allergies staring acting up and he sneezed on the bouquet." Kitty giggled. "Then we like, went to the movies and he got in a fight with the usher because he shined the light on us when we were.. um, never mind.. and he dumped the popcorn on the guy's head and he's there all yelling cuz he's like, covered in butter and Lance is all 'So what? I had to find a use for it. It's not as though you can actually eat the stuff'. Hee hee. That part made me laugh. And then, we like, decided to y'know take a stroll and look at the stars and stuff and Lance tells me how when he was a kid he used to like wish on stars and junk and that all his wishes came true the day he met me and then like we hear this laughter and it turns out it's Evan. He was all spying on us and Lance totally freaks on him and starts beating him up and all and I'm like standing there laughing cuz it's all so funny, y'know?"

"I know what you mean." Mr. Woolery lied. "So tell me, Lance would you ever go on another date with Kitty?"

"Date Kitty?" Lance continued to stare into space, unaware of the world around him.

"Uh, we'll get back to you. Kitty, would you ever go on another date with Lance?" asked Mr. Woolery.

"Like, why not? He's kinda cute and all." Kitty smiled at her boyfriend.

Mr. Woolery looked shocked. "You're kidding, right? You'd really go on another date with that doofus?!"

"Lance is so NOT a doofus!" Kitty said hotly.

"The man has been standing there saying 'Date Kitty?' for the past five minutes! And from what I understood of your evening, which was difficult with all of the Valley Girl lingo, that boy ruined your flowers, got you kicked out of a theater, fought with two people, and used some of the corniest come-ons I've ever heard!" Mr. Woolery exclaimed. 

"That like, doesn't make him a doofus!" argued Kitty.

"If that doesn't qualify him as a definite doofus, ladies and gentlemen, I don't know what does!" spat Mr. Woolery.

"I like, can't believe you! You are such a total jerk! No wonder you're divorced!" Kitty snapped. To Mr. Woolery's annoyance, the crowd burst into applause. 

"What do you think you're doing? The teleprompter didn't signal for applause!" Mr. Woolery screamed at the audience.

"Like, c'mon Lance. We are so out of here!" Kitty grabbed Lance's arm and dragged him off the stage.

"Yeah, well good riddance. You two morons deserve each other!" Mr. Woolery called after them. The audience stared at him. "What are you looking at?" he demanded.

A cameraman tapped Mr. Woolery on the shoulder. "What? We taped that? Well, just edit it out, dammit!" he snarled.

"The thing is, this show is being broadcast live sir, we can't edit that out." the cameraman said nervously.

"Oh shit." Mr. Woolery groaned. "I need a drink. Go to a commercial or something."

"I could always entertain them, sir. There's this soft-shoe routine I've been working on.." the cameraman began.

"Commercial." Mr. Woolery insisted.

The cameraman's face fell. "Yes sir." He turned at faced the crowd, somewhat dejectedly. "We'll be right back." he announced.

Mr. Woolery sighed and headed backstage. The cameraman looked around. "Is he gone?" he whispered. The crowd nodded. "Great! Lessee, wardrobe, may I have a hat and cane?" he asked eagerly. A woman tossed the props to him, and he caught them. "Thanks, doll. Now I need an eight bar vamp, Maestro, in the key of B-flat.." 


	3. Smile For The Camera!

THE MOST DANGEROUS GAME CHAPTER THREE

  
  


"We will raise a family, A boy for you, a girl for me, oh dammit all, here comes Chuck Woolery." sang the cameraman. Mr. Woolery glared at him. "Greetings, boss. I bet you're wondering about the outfit. I can explain it.. er, what happened was.. I'm fired, aren't I?" 

"You bet." said Mr. Woolery.

The cameraman shrugged. "Oh, well. That's show business." he declared. "One minute you're up and the next, you're down. Farewell, citizens of Bayville. Parting is such sweet sorrow, but rest assured I'll never forget the little people! And now I bid thee, adieu!" 

Mr. Woolery shook his head as he watched the cameraman leave. "Good help is so hard to find." he muttered.

"Um.. Mr. Woolery? I was just wondering, when I'm going to play this game?" Jean asked timidly.

"It's always about you, isn't it Jean? Well, what about MY needs?" fumed Mr. Woolery.

Jean shrank back in the chair. "I'm s-sorry." she stammered.

"Well you should be and wait a minute! Who's running the camera?" Mr. Woolery wanted to know. 

"Lemme-do-it! Lemme-do-it!" a boy with silvery hair called from the audience.

"I'm don't think that's really neccessary.." began Mr. Woolery. He didn't have time to argue though, because the boy had already grabbed the camera.

"Way to go, Pietro!" cheered Freddy.

Pietro flashed his pearly whites. The ladies in crowd all swooned. "Isn't he dreamy?" asked one.

"Thank-you. I-am-wonderful-aren't-I?" Pietro smiled and began filming himself.

Mr. Woolery folded his arms. "The camera is SUPPOSED to be filming the stage!" he hissed.

"Why? I'm-not-on-there!" Pietro said.

"Where did I go wrong?" Mr. Woolery moaned.

"Um, sir, about this game.." Jean's voice trailed off.

"Not now!" Mr. Woolery snapped. "I'm busy trying to think of a way to get Broadway Boy back. Anything is better than that egomaniac down there!"

"Welcome-to-the-Pietro-show! All-Pietro-all-the-time." announced Pietro.

"Listen here, kid! I'm not a bad man, I'm really not.." Mr. Woolery pleaded. "So why don't you just point that camera and me and behave, okay?" 

"Today-we're-going-to-interview-a-sample-group-and-find-out-which-of-my-perfect-profiles-the-ladies-prefer-my-luscious-left-or-my-radiant-right." Pietro informed the audience.

"That's it! I try asking nicely, but does he listen to me? Noooo... I'm a Professional Game Show Host and I will not be made a mockery of by some punk teenager!" Mr. Woolery roared as he began chasing after Pietro.

"Oh-what-fools-these-mortals-be!" taunted Pietro. "You-can't-catch-the-Mighty-Maximoff!"

"I can sure as hell try!" snarled Mr. Woolery. Pietro skidded to a stop, flashed an 'L' for loser and then sprinted off, camera in hand.

"All right, Pietro! That rocked!" Freddy laughed. The audience joined in.

"This is not happening.. this is not happening.. this is waahh!!" Mr. Woolery wailed.

"MR. WOOLERY! STOP YOUR BLUBBERING RIGHT NOW!" Jean barked.

Mr. Woolery stopped crying and stared at Jean. "But.. that cameraman.. and that crazy kid.. and the laughing.. and.." Mr. Woolery started to say.

"Get another camera, find someone to film, and sit down and shut up!" Jean ordered.

"But.." protested Mr. Woolery. Jean's eyes flashed with anger. "Er, yes ma'am."

"Now, that's more like it." said Jean. She looked at Mr. Woolery who was quivering before her. 'I could get used to this.' she thought.


	4. And The Winner Is...

THE MOST DANGEROUS GAME CHAPTER FOUR

  
  


A very subdued Mr. Woolery was now on stage. He kept glancing at Jean, afraid that she might snap at him again. A replacement camera had been located as well as stage hand who was willing to operate it. "Welcome to 'The Dating Game' everyone. We're finally going to get this show underway, at least as long as no more psychos.. I mean, there's no more setbacks. Yes, that will do. Er, uh, here's Jean Grey ready to ask the bachelors their questions!" Mr. Woolery faced Jean. "Please don't hurt me, miss." he whimpered.

Jean sighed. He was so annoying. 'If only I hadn't promised the Professor I wouldn't use my powers. Then I could give him a quick mental blast.' Jean smiled as she pictured the host on the floor, withering in agony. 

"Miss Grey? Now might be a good time for those questions." Mr. Woolery suggested timidly.

"What? Oh right, the questions. Here they are." Jean picked up a pile of cards. "Bachelor #1, What is your favorite ice cream flavor?"

"Grasshopper Pie, yo. 'Course it's still not as good as chocolate covered ants, but then again, what is?" said the first voice.

"Umm.. Okay, moving on to Bachelor #2. Which would you rather attend: an opera or an Alternative Music festival?" asked Jean.

"That's easy! Music festival! The Festering Boils rule!" yelled the second voice.

"Are you kidding me? Their music sounds more like screeching than singing!" said the third voice.

"What do you know about music?! You couldn't carry a tune in a bucket!" the second voice retorted.

"I heard you singing on my fence yesterday, Specs. Oh wait a minute, it was an alley cat. My mistake." laughed the third voice.

"You oughta sing tenor. Ten or twelve miles away!" yelled the second voice.

"You should sing solo. So low I can't hear you!" the third voice hollered.

"That doesn't make any sense!" the second voice complained.

"It doesn't have to make sense, it's an insult!" screamed the third voice.

"That makes even less sense!" the second voice argued.

"Cut it out!" Jean commanded.

"He started it." grumbled the second voice.

"Did not!" yelled the third voice.

"Did too!" yelled the second voice.

"I don't care who started it, it ends now!" Jean roared.

"Yo, I bet I'm looking like hot stuff now." said the first voice.

"Can it, creep." snarled the third voice. "Jean's with me."

"You've gotta be kidding! I'm the only one for her!" declared the second voice.

"When do we eat, yo?" asked the first. "That food question made me hungry."

"You're not going to eat with her!" said the second voice.

"That's right." added the third voice. "Because she's eating with me."

"No way! Jean's my girl! I own her!" snapped the second voice.

"Will you guys knock it off? I've got one more question!" Jean hollered. The boys stopped talking immediately. "Bachelor #3, what is your idea of the perfect date?"

"Okay, first I talk about how great I am. Then you talk about how great I am. Then we go for a little ride and maybe get lost, if you know what I mean and then we.." the third voice.

"That's enough, thank you." said Jean curtly.

"So, Jean. Have you chosen your date?" asked Mr. Woolery. 

"Yes, I have." said Jean.

"Great! Is it Bachelor #1? Bachelor #2? Or Bachelor #3?" he asked.

"It's none of them." Jean stated matter-of-factly.

"What do you mean, none of them?" demanded Mr. Woolery. "Look here, Miss, I'm trying to run a game show. I had to deal with a lovesick lunatic and his ditzy girlfriend, put up with a crazy cameraman, file a report about a stolen camera, and listen to the Peanut Gallery over there and their constant quarreling! You have to pick a winner!"

"No I don't." Jean argued. "I mean, did you hear them? They're all jerks! You must crazy if you think any of them are good enough for me! I'm Jean Grey!"

"And I thought that speedy kid had an ego.." Mr. Woolery muttered. 

"I heard that, buster!" growled Jean. SMACK! She slapped him right across the face.

"Ow! Ow! Ow! Stop it, stop it, stop it!" whined Mr. Woolery.

"Take it back!" roared Jean.

"I've gotta make a break for it! She's a mad woman!" yelled Mr. Woolery as he barreled past Principal Kelly.

"Where are you going! You're supposed to be here for a week!" Principal Kelly screamed.

"Forget it!" hollered Mr. Woolery as he ran off with Jean in hot pursuit.

"But.. my gym..oh what's the use.." Principal Kelly burst into tears.

"This is all your fault, Duncan." said the second voice.

"No, it's you're fault Scott." said Duncan.

"That's it! Let's fight!" yelled Scott.

"You got it!" yelled Duncan. He and Scott started to brawl. Kelly continued to cry.

"Check it out, yo. That Woolery dude left his coupon for the restaurant." said the first voice.

"What are we waiting for, Toad? Let's eat!" cheered Freddy.

"Yo, this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship." Toad said as they headed for the Maison Printemps.

  
  


THE END

  
  


Author's Note: I was gonna post this on Valentine's Day, but my computer wasn't working then (Let's just say that smashing a keyboard with your fist isn't the best cure for writer's block). Anyway, I could really use reviews for this story so please write in! =^-^=


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